100 Days After {An open letter to my father}

17th December 2011

Dear Papa,

I know how much you love receiving letters from us. remember when you were still in Saudi Arabia? You said you would rush home at the end of your work day to see if there are letters for you in the mail. Today I decided to write you a letter with a fervent hope that you would be rushing back home to us...

Pa, malapit na ang Pasko {Christmas is almost here}. I was putting additional angels on our tree this morning and I couldn't help remeniscing one particular Christmas when we can't still afford to buy the big tree we saw at the mall. I was nine or ten at that time. When we got home, you gathered some dried braches of the coconut tree from Tita Emy's yard and made a Christmas tree out of it. You painted it all white and said "O, ayan para mukhang may snow! {there, so that it will look like it is covered with snow!}. Jing and I had the best time of our lives decorating the small tree while you were singing "little Christmas tree no one to buy you give yourself to us..." I wish you would rush back home to make us a tree and sing to us once more....

Pa, remeber the year you got me a pnk volley ball for Christmas? That was the year I discovered you were our Santa Clause all along! You were so happy when you came home that night - you couldn't hide your excitement about the gift because you knew I was wishing for it the whole year. At the same time you were trying to suppress your excitement because you don't want to spoil the "magic" that Santa brings to my youth. Pa, you will always be my Santa - so giving, so jolly and and so magical in your own ways! I wish you would rush back home to give me the gift of YOU once more....

Pa, Noche Buena {Christmas Eve feast} is something we look forward to as a family. Mama was always busy in the kitchen making "halayang ube" {purple yam jam} for Jing and macaroni salad for me. The most anticipated dish was the mouth-watering fried Chicken Calasoy that you would bring home from Leila's Restaurant. Oh, how can i forget the the delicious smell that filled our kitchen once Jing and I unwrapped the brown paper and tin foil! You and mama would laugh seeing how delighted we were. I wish you would rush back home to share our Noche Buena once more....

Pa, today is the 17th of December.... the 100th day since you left so suddenly and returned to our Maker, to your heavenly home. It's been emotionally hard for all of us. You taught us everything but how come you never told us how painful it will be when you're gone, not to hear your voice calling me "anak ko" everytime I call you at home, not to feel tour hugs? Mama and Jing are hurting too. There is not a single day that we don't think of you. Even Mai Mai would sit patiently outside your bedroom door waiting and hoping that you would come out of the room and give her a pat on the head. I wish you would rush back home to ease the pain once more....

Pa, I can't promise you that there will be no more tears. I am not even sure if the wound of losing you will ever heal. I lost the man who made me who I am today, who sacrificed a lot of things to give me the best life I could possibly have, who loved me unconditionally.... YOU were and will always be the best gift God has given me. I am so proud to be your daughter and I hope I made you proud and happy too in my simple ways. When I look at the stars tonight, I will search for the brightest because in my heart your are that STAR looking down from heaven.

Papa, if not asking too much, please tell Jesus to let you rush back home because we want to hug you... just want more time....

I LOVE YOU forever Papa. I will see you again....

Your Ann